All Things Finseth

Elephants Are Smart September 25, 2007

In 1986, Travis Finseth was on holiday in Fiji after graduating from Belhaven College.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Travis approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Travis worked the wood out with his hunting knife after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Travis stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Travis never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Travis was walking through the Jackson, Mississippi Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Travis and his son Tristan Reed were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Travis, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Travis couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Travis summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Travis’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

Readers November 20, 2003

A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. <more…>

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues
to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am.
What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking “isn’t that obvious?”).

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,”
says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day Ma’am,” and he left…

MORAL

Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can
think also.

Who Says Redneck Aint Real Bright October 20, 2003

Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy”

Other Axis of Evil Wannabes, by John Cleese March 5, 2003

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil, Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as Evil,” which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil…we’re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. “They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. “An Axis can’t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.”

International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America, while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

“That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do,” said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in “Guay,” accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.